|sweet dark chocolate
||[Dec. 26th, 2004|03:30 am]
|||||looking forward to a rest||]|
|||||a sputtering candle and the creatures of the night||]|
I have eaten so much chocolate today.
The area I am staying in has been having small feasts every day.
Each day they get larger and larger, more food,
more time spent on meals, more people show up.
I find it odd that I act so differently while here
though I do not feel that I am being at all false.
I do not feel that I am only being a certain way to
obtain a desired effect... I do not feel like I am
acting a certain way because I want to be something
or someone that others might see me as... it has more
been a case of just knowing how to act, going with the
flow, being myself and finding my place instead of
trying to make actual attempts to lead... just doing
my own thing and letting anyone who is interested take
note, and going about my business with those who are
not interested remaining blind to me... maybe I am
over thinking this... I have no way to establish in
my mind how important I even think this topic is...
Oh yes. Each day, more and more food. More excitement.
Very soon a traditional cleansing and rebirth ritual
period will be a part of the lives of the spiritual
people of this area. The exact reasons for this
being the time of that cleansing and eventual rebirth
is not really known (or discussed at least) by most
of the people in the area. They just follow ancient
custom. After a few more days of feasting people
will start a 9 day fast. During this time they will
all clean all of their possessions, their homes, each
day has a ritual bathing and body cleansing process.
Different herbs, oils, juices. No food for 9 days.
Other than the time spend cleaning the villages, the
homes, the few possessions, and the body, the rest of
the time is to be spent cleansing the mind and dealing
with issues in the home or community. A time of rebirth
where everyone greets each other anew with clean slates
coming to understandings about issues and putting them
in the past. Forgive and forget. Everyone is very calm
and quiet for the most part... which I look forward to.
These past few days have been so busy. So many people.
Even people who do not know me, have no idea who I am
or why I am here still want to talk with me. I stand
out. I always have people around me. I spend time with
the elders. I tend to pick the most submissive and
devoted of the people who offer me their assistance.
Well, perhaps it is more just that I attract attention
and here if someone makes eye contact with me I try to
talk to them. If too many people go by having looked me
in the eye and not talked with me I feel uncomfortable.
Rumor and bad news spread quickly here and I do not
want to be brought into any of that just because I am
somewhat of a local celebrity... keep in mind that the
most exciting things to happen here are most often things
that have happened the year before and the year before that
traditional special occasions, family special occasions,
certain weather events or news from outside but... things
here stay the same for the most part. I am the white girl
who sticks her nose in everything and has some sort of
ties to local government and spiritual practices...
Point being I tend to stick out, if nothing else.
On a less entertaining note ... my head itches!
Not quite sure why... I will oil and heat my hair tomorrow,
vinegar rinse it and let it dry natural, finger comb it out.
I think it is just my head trying to adapt to going from NYC
mid winter to central america. Skin in shock, starting to adapt,
create different amounts of oils... fun stuff... a oil and vinegar
rinse should fix me up ... I will smell like a salad but I think
I can deal with having 'salad dressing smell' added to the list of
things being mumbled about me. I feel self centered returning to
people talking about me over and over but I know it is a major local
issue. Many people think that my being here is a sign of something.
Some think it is something horrible, others think it is something
amazing, either way they have been told it is an important reason.
Most of the people, the people central to the main community at least,
know that I am trying to gain approval of the village elder to have
his student come with me on a trip as a guide. No one would be rude
enough to ask for details.... but I know it is on everyones tongues.
I can see it in their looks, in the change of the flow of conversation
as I pass through an area, the faces and body language of people as I
Dwelling on peoples thoughts and words of me again... *unhappy sigh*
I have little else to think on though, this is the next step on the
road ahead of me. I feel that the choice made by the elder here will
set the entire tone of this exploration I want to go on. Why is that?
Is this a case where I think I have some amazing sense of fate or
destiny? The results of a brain storm? A possibly prophetic dream?
Is this just a case of me thinking his help is so important because
it is how I have imagined this working best... because it is what I want.
I would hope my reasons for wanting his help are indeed something deep...
not just my desire for his help pushing me to feel it is needed...
I guess I am just over thinking things again because no matter what...
even if I am being as selfish as possible, on a crazy insane fucked up
quest for nothing at all... a total waste of time... even at very worst
it is not going to be me who decides if he will come... it will be the
elder, the council, the leaders, the priests, and they will decide based
on their thoughts, their own visions, their own sense of destiny, or any
number of things. All they have from me is a simple request. I should
just allow things to remain at that. I have faith that there is something
to be found, something important. I have faith that I am being led there,
given clues. I am going to go there, do my best, and make the best usage
of my time possible either way... if he does come with me I confident
that he will be of great help to me, no matter what the end results.
I do not have it in my heart or mind to make use of him, be dishonest, or
at all manipulative... so I think this is all that really matters. The
rest is out of my hands... and on that note I will go rest for a bit.